The Power of Should

The concept of “should” wreaks havoc on plans, relationships,  experiences, and mental health. When we slip into the idea that reality “should” be a certain way and the actual experience we are having differs from that, we sabotage the moment we are in. Albert Ellis is credited for coining the saying,  “Stop shoulding on yourself”.  I would also add, “and on others, and on reality.”  A large portion of our suffering is created by the ideas we have about the way something should or shouldn’t be, especially when life isn’t delivering on that plan.

The true gifts of life are the ones in our hands in this very moment. The life we are living in the Now is ripe with experiences and opportunities for growth. Taking it all as it is becomes an expansive and delightful way to live life. If it all is acceptable, and not just the parts we decide are “good”, then we are open to the variety of moments life offers us. Eckhart Tolle explains that often our unconscious beliefs can lead us to have the thought, “Something is happening right now that shouldn’t be happening and it is preventing me from being at peace now”.

We often do this in our closest relationships; “You should do this or that so I can be at peace and I resent that you haven’t done it yet. Maybe my resentment will make you do it”.  Yet when we understand that love is not granted to us, but is always a gift, we can shift our expectations of what should be happening to acceptance and gratitude for what is.  A connected partner who is interested in us and asks the right questions is not guaranteed, so when they do it is grace. 

I go back to several newsletters ago when I expressed that if nothing is granted, everything is grace. To expand on that: If I remove the word “deserve” from my vocabulary, which is a close cousin of Should, then my relationships become a reason for gratitude. When I release the posture that I deserve any of this, and observe that in fact, all of it is a gift then my attitude radically changes as I relate to what is going on in my life.

May you completely be present to receive all of the gifts.