Shadow Work: The Light And The Dark Within

On March 20th in the Northern hemisphere we will experience the vernal equinox,  nearly equal amounts of daylight and darkness at all latitudes.  It’s an opportunity to notice the equal light and darkness within ourselves as well.  As one who was raised in a Christian tradition, I absorbed the message that the light was “good” and the dark was “bad”.  This dualistic approach to reality shaped my perspective of myself and everyone around me.  There were  certain characteristics in my personality that I perceived to be most valued by my family and the culture at large; being thin, pretty, self controlled, polite, nice, self-effacing, unemotional and uncomplicated. Other characteristics such as unagreeable, angry, wild, opinionated, self serving, and strong willed were pushed into the shadows or even placed behind locked doors inside myself.  

I wished to forget about the shadow self or even pretend she wasn’t there, because this version of me didn’t believe she was loveable or accepted.  This version didn’t get “good girl” affirmations or fulfillment of my deepest desire to feel love and belonging.  Most of the time the “lock her away in the shadows method” worked and I could pass as acceptable and worthy of reward and affirmations.  However, over time, my shadow would find her way out and demand the attention she was due.  She was a part of me and to pretend that she wasn’t was  a losing battle.

It was toward the end of my thirties where I was increasingly irritable and resentful of my situation in life.  I had lost both my parents in my thirties, as well as my beloved grandparents, and was in the throes of parenting my two children in a traditional gender roled marriage where the bulk of caregiving fell on me. I saw a wise and kind therapist who said that my resentment and irritability were signals telling me I was doing something I didn’t want to be doing.  There was no shame about being a better wife or mother, there was no “shape up” lecture telling me I was being selfish and needed to do better. In the light of that grace and permission I was able to see that these “unlovely” parts of myself were messengers coming to alert me to the truth about myself.  I began to say what I wanted and what I didn’t.  Stating my preferences was an act of self liberation.

With this lens of love and compassion, I began to make choices about how I wanted to live and move in this world, taking my whole self  into account.  I realized I had feared seeing this side of me because I imagined that doing so would give permission to my shadow to “run the show” and I would become an angry, out of control, selfish person.  Ironically, when I made room to listen to the shadow,  I began making more informed choices about how to care for myself  and others. I saw the ways I was complicit in perpetuating my own suffering, thereby creating more suffering for those around me.  Because, when ignored, the Shadow will demand a seat at the table and often take over in unseen and destructive way and try to run the show.

Many of us keep our shadows hidden for so long that we don’t even recognize them as a part of ourselves. Our unconscious self absorbs these less lovely “parts” and our conscious minds can exist unaware of the hidden parts entirely. Until we subject ourselves to a scrupulous self-examination where we attempt to tell the whole truth we may believe the persona that we created as children to survive and thrive in our environments is all there is.  The work of interpretive therapy that I offer my clients is to provide more truthful interpretations of themselves.  This is done with the understanding that my office is a “judgment free zone”.  We tell the truth with curiosity and kindness and look into the shadows where the outcasted parts of ourselves hide believing there is no love available. But the gift is that there is love and acceptance for every part;  the dark and the light, the hidden and the seen.