A Message to My Younger Self

A Message to My Younger Self: 

You are going to be amazing. I mean, you already are, but someday soon you are going to be freer than you are now, and when that happens you will see the world open before you in a way you never imagined. But it will involve risk. And it will upset your life and your comfort. I know right now you believe that the rutted road of self-sacrifice on which you are traveling is the whole of your journey, that there are no other options in sight. It is safe, comfortable and predictable, but, let’s be honest, soul sucking. You see, you exist as a human giver, to help the human beings in your life thrive, at the great cost of your own life. You have set aside your little dreams and have never dared to dream the bigger dreams because there is a small yet powerful voice whispering that this is all there is for you. You have been beaten down by the messages that have told you that these responsibilities and obligations you believe are yours to perform forever are non-negotiable. At this point you are unaware that you can resign from your “assignments” and determine new ones for yourself. Hold tight, your power is coming back to you, you will learn that you have a choice. You can say “no.” It is a complete sentence. 

Right now, however, I see your desperation when you lay in bed awake at night, knowing this is not the life you imagined when you were younger and wild and free. I see what you are giving every day in order to be a good wife, mother and woman. You saw your Mom and Grandmothers do this tirelessly and believe this is what is required of you. In addition, you got messages from well-meaning teachers and elders who showed you by example how to “die to yourself” in order to serve God and others. Your church confirms it when they remind you to serve in the nursery and bring the homemade food to the potlucks. Your group of friends are unwittingly complicit when the men sit around the fire drinking their whiskey and smoking cigars while the women take care of the food and clean up, all the while tending to the children’s needs. As if that weren’t enough pressure, the media reinforces how you are to look while doing all of this giving and serving; unfrazzled, thin, gorgeous, patient, calm and breezy. You are kind of pulling it off, but it is costly, and you cannot keep it up forever.

Younger self, I know you cannot imagine having the energy or time to pursue your passions, dreams, career or the love you desire in the way that you are meant to as you take care of everyone else before yourself. But here’s the key, when you begin living your truth, thereby taking care of yourself first, the energy will be there. It will appear and you will be able to do so much more than you have ever imagined. Let me tell you the story of how it happened for us. It was as simple and complicated as this - you stopped lying.  You started telling the truth and saying what you wanted. You decided that disappointing others was preferable to disappointing yourself. Oh, and how that awareness shifted everything. So I am going to reiterate, because this one is so contrary to what we were taught, moving forward - when given the choice to disappoint others or to disappoint yourself, always disappoint others. You have to live with you, all day and all night, inside of your head with the looping tapes and critical thoughts. You wake up with 4 am you, no one else does. Others can deal with their own disappointment. Tell the truth.

You were taught to please others at the cost to yourself, but that wasn’t sustainable.  Eventually, the resentment and burnout became too great and you ended up doing more damage than if you had been honest all along about what you could and couldn’t do, about what you liked and didn’t like. You were so trained to be accommodating and agreeable that you lost yourself in there for a time. You hurt others by acting as if you were good with the plan, the course, when inside, you really weren’t. When you finally stopped prioritizing “nice and polite” over truth telling, you jumped onto the fast track of your growth trajectory, straight out of the patriarchy and the crushing narrative that says you exist to make everyone else’s life work smoothly while your dreams and desires take a back to seat to others. And you made a map for others to follow. And you disappointed some, but you helped so many more, especially kids who need modeling on how to show up honestly to their own lives letting their yes be yes and their no be no. You see, though some may be disappointed, in truth, everyone benefits when a person gets healthier.  When you began truth telling it gave others permission to tell their truth. When you healed yourself, you taught others how to heal themselves. You created a ripple that goes out from you and extends to others, reminding them of this one beautiful life they have, and offering others permission to live it. 

Yes, some people from the old school (or church) may be offended or even angry when you quit playing by the old rules, irritated by the freedom you have and that they haven’t quite tasted, but that just makes you stronger (and encourages them that there is another way if they would so choose it). Their criticism and resistance helped to build the muscles of resilience you have needed to stand in this new amazing chapter of your life and to lead others in doing the same. You can have compassion for your critics because you remember your own personal glass ceiling you had to break through to trust yourself and take agency over your own life. In this way, you have learned along the way that you aren’t for everybody, and for the first time in your life are truly okay about that. You have come a long way. I am so proud of you.

Reader: A word about the concept of being a Human Giver. In Burnout, by Emily and Amelia Nagowski, they talk about Human Giver Syndrome. They expose the illness that is created when people cease to exist as human beings with full lives to live in order to take care of other’s lives and priorities. In Down Girl, Kate Manne defines Human Givers as “a class of people who are expected to offer their time, affection, and bodies to another class of people, the human beings. In our patriarchal world, that class is primarily comprised of women”.  It is a compelling idea that would benefit all of us to understand.  I believe giving and serving are profoundly important on this journey of life. They are essential components to being human and remembering we are in a global community. I have learned that it is a great privilege and responsibility to serve others and, at the same time, we as women, (and especially those of us who have come out of religious contexts) have been taught the dangerous instruction that it is our sole purpose and responsibility above all else.