A Reflection On Thawing Your Soul
The last several years around the winter solstice and new year I have practiced descending within myself in order to take a deeper look at my inner world, the one that goes unseen by everyone else except me. I light a candle, breathe deeply, and take the position of the Witness. I imagine walking down an old winding staircase into the inner rooms of my psyche. With curiosity and non-judgment I begin to take inventory of what thoughts or beliefs are sitting upon my shelves. There may be an idea or prompt that has been calling for my attention that I have ignored or brushed past. Perhaps the noise of the world has drowned out a solution to a problem in my life that is presenting itself, but until I quiet the mind I can’t hear it clearly. Sometimes I see patterns that have been created in my life that no longer serve me and it’s time to let go. Then there are the memories about a person who has hurt me that I have frozen in time so as to never be hurt again. It is about this experience that I want to share with you and take a moment to “thaw”.
When I gaze onto the shelf of my thoughts, I observe that the ones that have collected the most dust tend to be freeze frames of when I have been hurt before. Often real, but sometimes imagined or exaggerated by my perceptions, I recall someone showing up differently than what I thought I needed or wanted them to be. Then I replay the scene, build a case as to why they can’t be trusted and leave it to be displayed like a statue of proof on the shelf. It, in turn, fuels thoughts that can build momentum and take on lives of their own. These beliefs run their programs over and over, taking me out of the present, sucking my energy, and preventing me from seeing that person or this moment clearly.
With this filter of pain coloring everything, I stay isolated in my disillusionment believing it will keep me safe. In contrast, when I move through my hurt and disappointment, allowing myself to feel the fullness of it, I can suggest to myself that it is time to begin again. Start a new moment. Maybe then, I can begin to see the one who hurt me more clearly and make space for an original creative moment to emerge between us; one that has never happened before, where there can be an exchange of love, connection, and, in time, perhaps forgiveness. However, occasionally, after moving through this process, it is clear that the relationship needs to end. It is time to let it go and bring in something new.
This practice is painful and brave. It is not one to enter into lightly or to quickly move through in order to arrive on the other side. You may have someone on your shelf who hurt you and you are tired of repeating the scene in your mind. You suspect it may be time to let go and move on I offer you much love and support knowing how risky it feels to unthaw your heart (and the memories you have frozen) and begin to trust again. There are times when moving past these moments of hurt prematurely without acknowledging, feeling and working through the damage can be a form of spiritual bypassing. This can re-traumatize you and prolong your healing. If you feel like you need some guidance or a setting of safety and trust,let’s address it in your next session. If sessions aren’t possible right now but some guided meditations are interesting to you, Insight Timer is my favorite App to turn on and be guided by. (Sara Blondin is wonderful). Also, you can access my Spotify channel here and get some unedited raw recordings of my meditations if you find them helpful. (They are like garage band recordings of meditations)