Love Curiously

“Curiosity is blocked when we think we have the answers
or when we think we know nothing.” -Eric Epstein

I work with a lot of couples who rarely see one another as they actually are.  Instead they have created pictures in their minds based on past interactions and are constantly projecting them onto one another in the present moment.  It’s almost like a movie reel that we play in our heads, as opposed to seeing them in an original organic moment as it is actually happening. We do this at the beginning of a new relationship when we see the positive qualities of the other and create an image in our minds of who we believe that person to be. We also do this in our long term relationships after we’ve  been hurt or disappointed and then continue to see that projection on our partners as opposed to how they are presently showing up. 

We draw conclusions about who people are and what we can expect from them and then the  brain looks for evidence to support our conclusions.  When we do this we will always find the proof we are looking for.  Most couples I work with have done this for a long time and now are unable to see who their partner is at this moment apart from all their stories.  After my divorce, it struck me that I don’t think my ex husband and I had actually related to each other in many years, the real person standing in front of us in the moment.  Rather, I related to the layers of stories and who I had created him to be in my mind. Ironically,  I would accuse him of not seeing me, and after deep diving into my own work, I realized that was exactly what I was doing to him.

In order to protect us our ego makes an imprint of an event where we were hurt or let down by someone else in order to never let that happen again and to ultimately protect us.  Though that seems like a safer way to operate, it ultimately kills intimacy and breaks connection with the ones we long to be known by the most. The challenge that will have great payoffs in intimacy is to look at each moment and each person with a sense of curiosity. I have never lived in this moment. What will unfold here if I am present right now? Allowing ourselves to stay open to others, especially partners we have been with a long time, can feel very vulnerable and many people decide it is too great a risk. 

I have the privilege to work with people who decide to try again with one another after being hurt many times over, and it feels akin to watching someone staring into the barrel of a gun and deciding to keep walking toward the one holding it.  It is a brave and hopeful act of facing and embracing what could destroy them. It seems that this is what love would require, and it seems to me that if love were not risky, it wouldn’t be love. I have openings in my practice for new couples or individuals looking to explore this dynamic and find a new way forward together.