Christmas Presence
The Holiday season is an amazing opportunity to practice what I have been training for. The discipline of sitting and observing my thoughts and all of the things that I attach to gets to be tested as I enter the most loaded time of year. I have decades of programming around what a “good” holiday season looks like and these expectations can derail me if reality doesn’t match my picture. I have sat with many who describe feeling responsible for their loved one’s experience and emotions as they gather together. It is common to find ourselves reading the room to make sure everyone is OK, and that the moment is unfolding how we imagine everyone else needs it to. In this way, we may find ourselves frustrated and alone in our attempts to create what we believe will be best for all.
It’s ironic that for so many years I felt it was my responsibility as the woman, the wife,and the mom to know what everybody else might need and somehow take responsibility for that. Though it felt like kindness and service, it often tipped into control and boundarylessness. In retrospect, me being the conscientious hostess who was attempting to create a wonderful holiday, while thoughtful, may also have unconsciously put pressure on those around me to come through and have an experience that I believed I was supposed to give them.
I would fall into bed exhausted and relieved it was over and upon reflection, I see now that I missed a lot of holidays. I wasn’t even really in the room. I was in my head spinning on the hamster wheel of meeting all of the needs I believed were mine to meet. I imagine I wasn’t very pleasant, but I’m not sure because I wasn’t even present. This is NOT me shaming myself or others for the ways we women serve. If you are reading it that way, stop reading this now and delete it immediately. The last thing we need is more guilt or shame. These are observations of a way I thought I had to be and now realize it doesn’t serve everyone else or myself to be stretched thin and over functioning.
It adds up though why the holidays can feel frazzled and stressful. When I let go of my grip of how things are supposed to look and do my best to provide what feels like an open and welcoming atmosphere I can lay down the hyper vigilance and be present in the room to have my own holiday experience. Being present to everyone as they are in this moment, not what they should be, depressurizes the room and opens an opportunity to something new and original that has never happened before. I can see and connect to what is happening in real time and get out of the movie reel that plays in my head about what the holiday ought to be like or what other family’s holidays are looking like. (Comparison is the thief of joy)
This holiday season, imagine yourself, sitting down and relaxing in the midst of your loved ones, knowing that everyone in the room by and large is capable of contributing and taking care of their own needs. Make up the story that those present have their unique experience and ideas of what a great holiday is and they will or won’t have that. It’s not your responsibility. Even if you have little ones present, see if there are ways that you are owning their holiday and suggest to yourself that there may be ways to loosen your grip and watch them have their own unique day. Letting go of whatever you can, whatever doesn’t belong to you, frees you up to show up and be fully present in the moment.